SARAH OUR SAVIOR

Hailing from Wasilla, the duct tape capital of the world, Alaskan warrior princess Sarah Palin dog-sledded into our hearts but eighteen months ago, when the joyous news broke that she had been nominated as the Republican Party’s Vice Presidential candidate. Since her ticket’s defeat at the hands of a possible Marxist with no birth certificate, the post-mortem campaign reports have long been written, and the subsequent intra-party backbiting has simmered. But like any true maverick, Sarah always gets the final word. Her already-nostalgic autobiography, Going Rogue: An American Life, proves that the voting electorate was wholly duped by spiteful McCain staffers who sought to taint her valorous public image, as well as vengeful news anchors who maliciously besmirched her exemplary character.

It cannot be denied that the GOP displayed virtue and courage by choosing a woman candidate, knowing full well that her gender would fuel vicious criticism of working mothers; as we know, most Americans are still not quite comfortable with undomesticated females running amuck. Her selection, it should go without saying, was a noble sacrifice indeed. Sarah, who has spent a career working darn hard to fight that double standard, describes in detail her efforts to reconcile a politician’s unforgiving schedule with the duties she must perform as a humble matriarch. Back when the highest office to which she aspired was the mayorship of a small tundra hamlet, Sarah would tote along her brood as she went door-to-door, introducing the tykes to eager residents of fair Wasilla.

Like the Republican Party at large, Sarah is a champion of women’s rights and freedoms. Us women, she triumphantly declares, have won this nation’s greatest freedom: the freedom to give birth. Because of trailblazers like Sarah, we have been bestowed with the opportunity to mold and to nurture our nation’s youthful minds forevermore. Together we rejoice in thanks for the freedom to charter America’s next course. Ladies, take Sarah’s advice: “choose life.” Because by so doing, we accept the solemn duty to carry on this country’s celebrated lineage – a duty that embodies true womanhood, true patriotism, and true victory.

Sarah is also a strong proponent of change, courageously noting that “every part” of her 2006 gubernatorial race echoed the revolutionary motif. But settle down, faithful readers – change is a privilege, not a right. It must be earned the old-fashioned way: hard work, prayer, and vague statements related to the definition of freedom. Don’t even get her started on same-sex marriage; Sarah simply will not stand for any back-assward attempts “to change that definition” of marriage as between one man and one woman. What honor! What eloquence!

She does, nevertheless, confess: when the long road in pursuit of Wasilla’s prized seat of high governance turned rocky, and her household upkeep started to slip, the one thing she sure could have used was “a wife.” Sarah all the while professes herself to be a fierce advocate of gender-equality, calling on women to forge ahead in what is too often a man’s world. Though a visionary, Sarah is also grounded in reality: she recognizes that at times it is necessary for women to step down from their platforms and reaffirm what is intuitive within us – that, all said, our rightful place might well be in the home.

Going Rogue also highlights the unfair media coverage to which Sarah was subjected during the campaign as clear testament to the nefarious hidden agendas of CBS and ABC. Both networks launched surprise attacks against the unwitting steward of freedom on two separate occasions: one during an interview with CBS’s Katie Couric, and the other during an interview with ABC’s Charles Gibson. Questions from Couric such as, “Why in your view is Roe v. Wade a bad decision?” and “When it comes to establishing your worldview, which newspapers and magazines do you regularly read?” were clearly out of line, confirming their asker’s insatiable liberal bias. How dare a broadcast journalist demand that Sarah name specific titles of publications from which she draws influence! It is enough to know that her political platform is based on freedom, liberty, freedom, the right to bear arms, and folksy mannerisms.

The beleaguered heroine also withstood misplaced criticism over her assertion that Alaska’s proximity to Russia is causal to her impressive foreign policy credentials. Despite what Manhattan elites might have us believe, this claim is completely plausible. Paul Begala, a CNN contributor, later obnoxiously retorted: “I can see the moon from my backyard, but that doesn’t make me an astrophysicist.”

Mr. Begala, I pity your lack of self-confidence – in America anything is possible. Now pull up your bootstraps and get to work: a celestial playground awaits you!

And for Gibson of ABC to “not seem as interested” during his paltry interview! Where is the professionalism, the respect, the love of God and country? And that Couric – what a ruthless manipulator! “Katie’s purpose – shared by most media types – seemed to be to frame a ‘gotcha’ moment,” Sarah writes in another blazing display of bravery.

Any public perception problems were not of Sarah’s doing. McCain campaign politicos did a poor job in prepping her for these interviews, she says, and the guardian of family and faith was left to her own underdeveloped devices. Vindictive chief strategist Steve Schmidt, she claims, happily watched as she sunk like a block of lead, intentionally withholding any efforts to keep her buoyant.

Not to be outdone, Sarah has caught her fair share of unsuspecting freedom-haters in their own ‘gotcha’ moments. When bridled with criticism from vegetarians and vegans for her activities as a celebrated huntress, Sarah offered a simple, no-nonsense philosophy: “If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?” Oh, you’ve cornered them now, Sarah! I do wonder, though – if God had not intended for us to eat other humans, how come He made them out of meat? No matter!

And so, reader, if you ever feel out of touch with real America – or teabaggin’ disillusioned white people – do not fret! If your knees begin to tremble in the face of diversity and modernity – stand proud and firm! And if the American Dream seems to be slipping away into the abyss of Katie Couric’s ivory tower – press on! Crack open a copy of Going Rouge, young patriot, and be at ease. Your savior has arrived, and her magnum opus is in tow.

Comments

4 Comments so far. Leave a comment below.
  1. CONTRA>,

    And with her new job as a news contributor and analyst, now you can receive her wisdom regularly by just tuning into Fox News! Great news for the believers in the Palin 2012 ticket!

  2. e.,

    such poor reporting. this certainly isn’t an article and it’s not quite funny enough to be compared to a piece from ‘the onion.’ once again, the perspective editorial staff has allowed their publication to be nothing more than a podium for their untalented buddies.

    • E,

      This isn’t meant to be “reporting.” It’s interesting that you’re commenting on someone’s journalistic talent when you don’t understand the very basics of journalism.

      A satirical book review is not reporting and “this certainly isn’t an article” doesn’t even make any sense.

  3. e.,

    my point is that i don’t even understand why this terrible piece would be published at all, as it’s neither an article nor a satirical piece with any merit. this is my problem with most of the perspective. 90% of the crap published looks like it’s ripped from a creative writing 101 notebook (and only from friends of the editorial staff, of course).

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